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The Joker's Driver Lounge
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Know a Great Clean Joke? We'd love to add it to the ones below!
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| Several truck driver friends were all at orientation. They had to bunk two to a room. No one wanted to room with Ryan because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Ryan and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Ryan snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing - bed head, hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!" He said, "Man, that Ryan shakes the roof. I watched him all night."
The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a real truck driver man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. "Good morning," he said. They couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Ryan into bed and kissed him good night. He sat up and watched me all night long."
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| Farmer John was injured when a tractor trailer driver hit his pick-up, and he filed a lawsuit against the truck driver who hit him. When the case went to trial, the truck driver's big city lawyer questioned farmer John.
"After the accident, did you not say to the sheriff's deputy, 'I'm fine'?" asked the lawyer.
Farmer John answered, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the...."
"I did not ask you about your mule," the lawyer interrupted, "I asked you about your statement to the sheriff's deputy. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?"
Farmer John answered, "Like I was saying, I loaded Bessie into the trailer, and I hitched it to my pick-up truck...."
The lawyer angrily turned to the judge. "Your honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the sheriff's deputy on the scene that he was just fine. Now, many months after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. If his case is not a fraud, he should be able to answer my question with a simple 'yes' or 'no.' Please tell him to simply answer the question."
The judge, somewhat curious about the mule, responded, "Let's hear what he has to say. If he doesn't get around to answering your question, we'll deal with it after we find out about Bessie."
Farmer John thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, Bessie was in my trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge truck ran the stop sign and smacked my truck. My pick-up went into the ditch, and the trailer tipped over. I could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, and I knew that she was in a bad way, but I was hurtin' real bad and I couldn't even move. Then, the deputy came, and he could hear Bessie, so he went over to her. He looked at her for a moment, then he took out his gun and he shot her right between the eyes. Then the deputy came across the road with his big gun in his hand, looked me right in the eyes, and asked, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?"
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| | A driver was visiting his mother in a nursing home he frequently was able to do because his company got him routed through that way several times a month. This visit he had to wait outside her room while the nurse was with his mom for whatever reason. He came in laughing when he returned to visit with his mom as he overheard and saw the following scene he felt he had to share it with all of us..
A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex." He sat silently for a moment or two and answered, "I'll take the soup." |
An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice. There were picnic tables,horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
Moral: Old men can still think fast.
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GOOD OLE COUNTRY WISDOM
- Country fences need to be horse high, pig tight, and bull strong.
- Life is not about how fast you run, or how high you climb, but how well you bounce.
- Keep skunks and lawyers at a distance.
- Life is simpler when you plow around the stumps.
- A bumblebee is faster than a John Deere tractor.
- Trouble with a milk cow is she won't stay milked.
- Don't skinny dip with snapping turtles.
- Words that soak into your ears are whispered, not yelled.
- Meanness doesn't happen overnight.
- To know how country folks are doing, look at their barns, not their houses.
- Never lay an angry hand on a kid or an animal, it just ain't helpful.
- Teachers, Moms, and hoot owls sleep with one eye open.
- Forgive your enemies. It messes with their heads.
- Don't sell your mule to buy a plow.
- Two can live as cheap as one, if one doesn't eat.
- Don't corner something meaner than you.
- You can catch more flies with honey than vinegar, assuming you want to catch flies.
- Man is the only critter who feels the need to label things as flowers or weeds.
- It doesn't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
- Don't go huntin' with a fellow named Chug-A-Lug.
- You can't unsay a cruel thing.
- Every path has some puddles.
- Don't wrestle with pigs: You'll get all muddy and the pigs will love it.
- The best sermons are lived, not preached.
- Most of the stuff people worry about never happens.
- The Ten Commandments display was removed from the Alabama Supreme Court building. There was a good reason for the move: You can't post Thou Shalt Not Steal, Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery, and Thou Shall Not Lie, in a building full of lawyers and politicians without creating a hostile work environment.
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There were two blonde guys working for the city One would dig a hole, the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. They worked furiously all day without rest, one guy digging a hole, the other guy filling it inagain. A truckdriver was watching, amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I appreciate the effort you are putting into your work, but what's the story? You dig a hole and your partner follows behind and fills it up again." The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, normally we are a three-man team, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today."
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A woman's car breaks down on the Interstate, so the driver eases over on to the shoulder. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. Out of the trunk jump two Blondes in trench coats, who stand to the rear of the vehicle where they are facing oncoming traffic and begin opening their coats and exposing themselves to approaching drivers. Not surprisingly, one of the worst pile-ups occurs. It's not very long before a police car shows up. The cop, clearly enraged, runs toward the driver of the disabled vehicle yelling, “Just WHAT is going on here?” “My car broke down,” says the lady, calmly. “Well, what are these perverts doing here by the road?” screams the cop. “These are my emergency flashers!” replied the blonde!
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Today is my daughter's 18th birthday. I'm so glad that this is my last child support payment. Month after month, year after year, those payments! I called my baby girl to come over to my house, and when she got there, I said to her, "Baby girl, I want you to take this last check over to your momma's house. You tell her that this is the last check she's ever going to get from me. Then I want you to come back here and tell me the expression on her face."So my baby girl took the check over to her. I was so anxious to hear what the witch had to say and what she looked like. As my baby girl walked though the door, I said, "Well now, what did your momma have to say?" She told me to tell you that you ain't my daddy.
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Top Country Western Songs of All Time
25. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye.
24. Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Were Pure.
23. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
22. I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling.
21. I Just Bought A Car From A Guy That Stole My Girl, But The Car
Don't Run So I Figure We're Even.
20. I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You.
19. I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well.
18. I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better.
17. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win.
16. I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonight.
15. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here.
14. I've Got Tears In My Ears From Lyin' On My Back and Cryin' Over You.
13. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You.
12. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now.
11. Mama Get A Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head).
10. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love You.
9. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him.
8. Please Bypass This Heart.
7. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger.
6. You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat.
5. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly.
4. If the Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me.
3. She's Actin' Single and I'm Drinkin' Doubles.
2. She's Looking Better After Every Beer.
And the Number 1 Country and Western song of all Time is...
1. I Ain't Gone To Bed With Any Ugly People But I've Woke Up With A Few.
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My sister-in-law, a truck driver, had decided to get a dog for protection. As she inspected a likely candidate, the trainer told her, "He doesn't like men." "Perfect," my sister-in-law thought and took the dog. Then one day she was approached by two men in a parking lot, and she watched to see how her canine bodyguard would react. Soon it became clear the trainer wasn't kidding. As the men got closer, the dog ran under the nearest car.
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It was a snowy day. The white stuff was swiftly covering the highway. A tired truck driver was waiting at the traffic light when a sports car with a blonde at the wheel looked at the trucker said, "Hi, my name is Lori.You're losing your load." The trucker ignored her. Two miles down the road he stopped again. Sure enough she stopped and said, "Hi, my name is Lori and you're losing your load." This went on for five miles, when the truck driver pulled onto the side of the road and walked back to the blonde and said "lady, my name is John and this is a sand truck."
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A Trucker was driving down the highway when his right-front tire went flat. He put out a call for a wrecker and one arrived shortly after. When the wrecker driver sees the tire he inquires "Tire go flat?". The Trucker replys "Nah...I was drivin' along and the other 17 just ballooned up on me."
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A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads "low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge.Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas...
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While driving along the back roads of a small town, team drivers came to an overpass with a sign that read CLEARANCE 11'3. They got out and measured their rig, which was 12'4. "What do you think?" one asked the other. The driver looked around carefully, then shifted into first. "Not a cop in sight. Let's take a chance!"
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A duck walked into a pharmacy. He asked the pharmacist "Do you have any grapes?" "No, but the grocery store two blocks down sells grapes." he replied. The next day, the same duck walked into the same pharmacy and asked "Do you have any grapes?" "No, two blocks down on the right." replied the pharmacist somewhat annoyed. The third day, the same duck walked back into the same pharmacy and asked the same question. This time the pharmacist said "We don't sell grapes here. You have asked for grapes now for three days in a row. I have told you we don't sell them here, this is a pharmacy not a grocery store. If you come back in here tomorrow asking for grapes again, I am going to nail your little webbed feet to the floor, NOW GET OUT OF HERE!" The next day the same duck walks back into the same pharmacy, this time with quite a bit of trepidation. He looked around and asked the pharmacist "Do you have any nails?" "No" replied the pharmacist. "Well then... Do you have any grapes?"
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A painting of Whistler's Mother was on exhibit at a local museum and my trucker hubby & I decided we would go down and view the famous painting. After looking at it from all angles possible my man looked at me and said "She must have driven a big car because her fanny is a wide load".
--Someone once said 'Never borrow money until you have none'. If you have 'none' then surely the lender will understand when you can't pay it back-right?!
--I was travelin' down I-40 just on the west side of Memphis, AR the other day and noticed that a certain company's truck was speeding right past me doing about 70 mph. I got on the CB and asked how he could be getting that out of his 'slow' truck. He came back and said 'It's a Just in Time load'. I retorted loud and clear to him that XYZ company doesn't allow speeds over 55 mph. The driver popped off "Really?".
--You know you're a truck driver when the alarm goes off and you pitch it as far as you can out the window!
--You know you're a truck driver when your sleeping spouse has your clean clothes packed, ready to go sitting right beside the bed and a little note that says "It was good to have you home, be safe out there, and Oh yeah, don't forget to leave the paycheck on the kitchen table. The kitchen is the room in the back of the house down the hallway, south of the bathroom".
--You know you're a truck driver when dispatch doesn't return your calls for your next load for 2 days.
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--A tractor trailer driver meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures in life. The trucker notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.The truck driver asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" The pirate replies, "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off." "Wow!" said the truck driver. "What about your hook"? "Well", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off." "Incredible!" remarked the trucker. "How did you get the eye patch"? "A seagull dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirate. "You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?," the truck driver asked incredulously. "Well," said the pirate, "it was my first day with my hook."
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...A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three Hell's Angels' bikers walked in. The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old man, spat into the old man's milk and then he too took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?" The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either, he just backed his big-rig over three motorcycles." -unknown author
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...A young Over the Road trucker's wife raising their 5 year old, most times alone, was paying a visit to a doctor and made no attempt to restrain their five-year-old son, who was ransacking an adjoining room.But finally, an extra loud clatter of bottles did prompt her to say, "I hope, doctor, you don't mind Johnny being in there." "No," said the doctor calmly, "He'll quiet down when he gets to the poisons." -unknown author
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A truck driver stops for a beer [laid over for 24 hours]. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying, "Nerds Not Allowed - Enter At Your Own Risk!" He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, and says, "You smell kind of nerdy. What do you do for a living?" The truck driver says, "I drive a truck, and the smell is just from the computers I am hauling." The bartender says, "Okay, truck drivers are not nerds," and serves him a beer.As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver says, totally shocked, "Why did you do that?" The bartender says, "Not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating Silicon Valley and they're in season now. You don't even need a license." The truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and takes a nap. After a good long nap he gets back on the interstate. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He decides he can't let them steal his whole load. Remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop. The truck driver says, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season." "Well, sure," says the patrolman. "But you can't bait 'em."
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There was this forlorn looking trucker sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink. He didn't move for a half-an-hour. Then, this big trouble-maker stepped up right next to him, took the drink from the guy, and just drank it all down. The poor man started crying so the trouble-maker turned and said to him, "Hey, man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I hate to see a grown man cry." "No, it's not that. Today is the worst day of my life. First, I overslept and got two speeding tickets trying to make a hot load deadline. My boss became so enraged that he fired me. When I left the dispatcher's office I found my car had been stolen. I got home only to find my wife was in bed with the mailman. I left home depressed and came to this bar. And now, just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, YOU show up and drink my poison!"
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A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. She was a from a well to do, wealthy Boston family and the groom was a well to do Owner Operator truck driver out of PA but not necessarily a blue blood or as wealthy as his blushing bride...When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. Her mother asked, "How was the honeymoon?" "Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic." Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language... things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4 letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home.... Please mama!" "Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?" "Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed they're just too awful! Come get me, please!" "Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset.... Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!" Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, mama... words like DUST, WASH, IRON, COOK...!"
-unknown author |
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NJ, Fort Smith, AR, Fort Wayne, IN, Fresno, CA, Ft. Lauderdale, FL, Ft. Myers, FL, Ft. Richie, MD, Grand Rapids, MI, Green Bay, WI, Greensboro, NC, Greenville, NC, Greenville, Hackensack, NJ, SC, Harrisburg, PA, Hattiesburg, MS, Hedgesville, WV, Herndon, VA, Hickory, NC, Houston, TX, Huntsville, AL, Indianapolis, IN, Jackson, MS, Jackson, TN, Jacksonville, FL, Jericho, NY, Johnson City, TN, Johnstown, PA, Kansas City, MO, Kennedy Space Ctr, FL, Knoxville, TN, LaCrosse, WI, Lafayette, LA, Lansing, MI, Las Vegas, NV, Lawton, OK, Lewisburg, PA, Lexington, KY, Lincoln, NE, Little Rock, AR, Longview, TX, Los Angeles, CA, Louisville, KY, Lumberton, NC, Lynchburg, VA, Macon, GA, Madison, WI Madisonville, KY, McLean, VA, Melville, NY, Memphis, TN, Miami, FL, Millington, TN, Milwaukee, WI, Minneapolis, MN, Mobile, AL, Montgomery, AL, N. Canton, OH, Nashua, NH, Nashville, TN, New Castle, DE, New Orleans, LA, New York City, NY, Norwalk, CT, Oakland, CA, O'Fallon, IL, Oklahoma City, OK, Omaha, NE, Opelika, AL, Orlando, FL, Paducah, KY, Palm Bay, FL, Panama City, FL, Pensacola, FL, Philadelphia, PA, Phoenix, AZ, Pittsburgh, PA, Pittston, PA, Portland, ME, Portland, OR, Princeton, NJ, Providence, RI, Raleigh, NC, Reno, NV, Richmond, VA, Riverside, CA, Roanoke, VA, Rochester, NY, Rockford, IL, Rockville, MD, Rosslyn, VA, Sacramento, CA, Salem, OR, Salt Lake City, UT, San Antonio, TX, San Jose, CA, Santa Fe, NM, Santa Maria, CA, Santa Rosa, CA, Savannah, GA, Scranton, PA, Seattle, WA, So. Bend, IN, Spokane, WA, Springfield, IL, Springfield, MO, Springfield, OH, St. Louis, MO, State College, PA, Syracuse, NY, Tallahassee, FL, Tampa, FL, Tewksbury, MA, Toledo, OH, Trenton, NJ, Tucson, AZ, Tulsa, OK, Tyler, TX, Uniontown, PA, Valdosta, GA, Ventura, CA, Virginia Beach, VA, Waltham, MA, Washington, DC, Wayne, PA, West Haven, CT, Wichita, KS, Wilmington, NC, Wooster, OH, Youngstown, OH |
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